DND to enforce “no wind” policy at RMC

Caption: If DND scientists get their way this sign with a big red “X” will be a common sight at RMC starting in September.

DND to outlaw the breaking of wind at RMC

By: WJO

e-Veritas has learned that DND will be implementing a new policy at the college commencing in September – outlawing farting – the policy will affect military & civilian staffs, all students – including PGs and officer cadets.

The leaked document obtained by the Editor of e-Veritas clearly indicates that DND plans to punish persistent offenders that foul the air. The list of punishments was not made available but efforts are underway to obtain a copy through the freedom of information process.

If this policy sounds pretty ridiculous to you, you’re definitely not alone.

A well known and highly respected professor (who asked us not to use his name) lamenting against the proposed policy: “We have serious issues affecting staff & students today. I do not know how fouling the air should take priority over lack of adequate funding and serious shortages of staff.”

We also had a military staff member make a valid point: “How can DND honestly think that they can control the release of intestinal gases? Everyone does that, even if it’s in public or it has an accompanying sound which is boring; trying to enforce this policy will be impossible.”

However, many scientists within DND believe that concentration of the main greenhouse gases: carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, and fluorocarbons originally start from what is commonly called a fart.

The few people we spoke with on Thursday fear that pinning responsibility will be difficult – and may lead to miscarriages of justice as ‘culprits’ attempt to blame others for their offence.

One cadet told us: “My goodness. What happens in a public place like the Field House or weight room at the gym, any place where a group is gathered?”

Sources at the senior level within DND agree that it may be difficult to enforce the policy Canada wide right away. “We will gauge the situation very carefully at RMC for a year. We will have warnings issued during the transition period of approximately three months.” Sanctions will not be enforced during that period.

We have also learned that there will be one “free-fart” area designated. Panet House (Room 302) will be one place that people so inclined will be able to relieve themselves without fear of reprisal.

 

Si les scientifique du MDN arrivent à leur fins, cette pencarte avec un gros “X” rouge sera un spectacle commun au CMR à partir de septembre

 

MDN pour proscrire péter au CMR

par WJO

eVeritas vient d’apprendre que le MDN mettra en œuvre une nouvelle politique au collège, commençant en septembre, interdisant péter. Cette nouvelle politique affectera le personnel militaire et civil, ainsi que tous les élèves du premier et deuxième cycle.

Le document divulgue, qui a été obtenu par l’éditeur d’e-veritas, indique clairement que le MDN prévoit punir les délinquants qui n’arrêtent pas de péter. La liste de punition n’a pas été mis à disposition, mais des efforts sont en cours pour obtenir une copie par la liberté d’access à l’information.

Si cette politique vous semble ridicule, vous n’êtes certainement pas le seul.

Un professeur bien connu et très respecté, qui nous a demandé de ne pas utiliser son nom, a parlé contre la politique en disant: “En ce moment, nous avons des problèmes graves qui affectent le personnel et les étudiants. Je ne comprends pas comment un règlement contre péter a priorité sur le manque de financement et personnel.“

Nous avons également eu un membre du personnel militaire qui avait un argument valable: “ Comment peut le MDN honnêtement penser qu’ils peuvent controller les rejets de gaz intestinaux. Tout le monde le fait. Essayer de faire appliquer cette politique sera impossible.”

Cependant, de nombreux scientifiques au sein du MDN croient que la concentration des gaz à effet de serre principal comme le dioxyde de carbone, la méthane, l’oxyde nitreux et les flurocarbons prennent l’origine à partir de ce qu’on appelle un pet.

Les quelques personnes à qui nous avons parlé jeudi ont peur que l’épinglage de responsabilité sera difficile et pourrait entraîner des erreurs judicaires, puisque les ‘coupable’ essayeraient de blâmer des autres pour leur infraction.

Un élève officier nous a dit: “Don dieux. Qu’est-ce qui se passera dans un lieu publique comme le complex sportif, la salle de musculation ou tout autre lieu ou un groupe est rassemblé ?”

Des sources au niveau élevé du MDN conviennent qu’il peut être difficile de faire respecter la politique à travers le pays entier. “Pour une année, nous allons évaluer la situation de très près au CMR. Nous allons avoir des avertissements au cours de la période de transition, donc pour environ trois mois.”

Nous avons aussi appris qu’il y aura une zone de libre-pet. La chambre 302 au Panet House sera une des places que le monde qui ont besoin de péter pourrons aller.

 

e-mail comments from our readers

(This particular post was available this past Friday – 1 April – for obvious reasons. Following is a sample of the feedback we received by e-mail.)

  • Very good Bill and Rolande. This will surely mean the end of the Old Brigade.
  • Thanks, Bill and April Fools to you too!
  • Just wanted to compliment you on your April Fool’s e-veritas article. I was laughing the whole time :) Made my day.
  • Too funny Bill. I fell for it. Darn.
  • That’s awesome! Happy April Fools’ day! (and thanks for the laugh)
  • I had forgot it was April 1st – thanks for the laugh! (hopefully a bit less controversial than the parade square turning into a parking lot like last time!!)
  • Very cute April Fool’s – it certainly put a smile on my face :)
  • … a fine effort in keeping with a valuable RMCC e-Veritas tradition
  • Happy April Fool’s Day Mr. Oliver!
  • Well done.
  • Great work! I had a good laugh when I read the comments, especially from the Chief of Staff.
  • Mr. Oliver.. you are a funny man! Have a good day, Bill.
  • My first April Fool’s email of the day, Bill – thanks!
  • Good one! :)
  • OH too funny, I love it, well done. I assume it is an April Fools joke…
  • Well done, the second of such type I have received today
  • By the way, my wife used to babysit Peter (MacKay) and perhaps she has some stories in that regard akin to the subject of your communication today ( true), cheers
  • Happy April Fool’s Day to you too.
  • I read the e-Veritas “no fart zone” article; well I was rolling on the floor laughing.
  • Good grief, Bill, I will be in some serious trouble whenever I stumble onto the peninsula! You may recall that I am a seasoned peteur with my regulation 14 farts a day, and often more. Good one!
  • I am happy to see that humour has no limitations. Keep up the good work and surprises of e-veritas.
  • Nice! But definitely not as good as last year :) Have a great weekend Bill and thanks for all the great work.
  • We all got a good laugh here at work!

 

 

2 Comments

  • Jim Hessel

    December 19, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    If our old College SM, Dan Cox, was still alive he would advise the College Sargent-Major to have gas probes inserted in each of the cadets arses and focus on the Fourth Years since they are definitely, by tradition, full of hot air. That way should a “gust of fowl air” be let loose on the unsuspecting cadet corps, a bell would sound followed a chorus of “Blow the man down”, which would identify the nasty scoundrel. OMG what is the Forces coming to………ridiculous ha ha.